


Always

by lilithenaltum



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Black Reader, F/M, Female Character of Color, Nicola's 1K Writing Challenge, Tumblr Prompt, high school sweethearts, mentions of 9/11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-03-25 16:51:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13838988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilithenaltum/pseuds/lilithenaltum
Summary: “You’ll always love me, won’t you Buck?” You already know the answer, but you like hearing it anyway.He smiles and you still feel scared, but you think that just maybe all of this will work out just right.”I’m always gonna love you darlin’. Always.”





	Always

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Nicola's 1k Writing Challenge on tumblr, for the prompt: 
> 
> "Darling, I'm always going to love you."
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

**June 2001**

The sound of cicadas fill the air, sweat dripping from your collarbone down between your breasts and you curse the mosquitoes that nip at your ankles for a bite. It’s dark out here on the lake like this, but Bucky had said he needed to see you and so you snuck out the house, feigning an upset stomach for why you were skipping dinner early. Mama told you to take a cap of Pepto and get some rest, and you’d kissed her cheek, hugging your dad and little brother, and then climbing the stairs up to your bedroom slowly.

And after several minutes, when you’d pretended to have settled into bed and turned out the light, you climbed out the window, sliding down the large oak tree right in front of it and skipping from your yard on light, stealthy feet.

 

It was only a fifteen minute walk from your house to the lake. The dirt road was dark and mostly empty, though you kept checking behind you to make sure no one was coming. The last thing you needed was some busybody snitching on you to your parents about being out in the dark like this, alone, and in nothing but a sundress and a pair of sandals. It was unbecoming to have a young girl out by herself at night but you didn’t care. You knew this little town and these woods like the back of your hand, and you knew everyone who lived here, too. You were safe, and you knew it.

 

Even still, the mosquitoes were a problem. It was barely June, and already they were out in full force. You grumbled under your breath as you smacked another one on your forearm and then hurried your stride down the road. Only one more minute to the lake.

 

And pretty soon you were there, slipping between trees and skidding down the low cliffs that buffeted the reservoir. Bucky’s truck was parked right on the beach near the tide, radio on and tail bed down. You scanned the water to see if maybe he was out swimming but couldn’t find him anywhere and you slowed your walk to the truck, mindful of any of his usual tricks. And then, you heard a snap, and you turned to find nothing but darkness, trees swaying in the light breeze, and lightening bugs blinking on and off every few seconds. It’s silent then, except the radio and your heartbeat, and now you’re nervous that something is wrong.

 

“Buck?” you call out, softly at first just in case he’s lurking in the woods behind you. There isn’t an answer, so you try again, a little louder this time. “Where are ya, Buck? I’m here!” Once again it’s silent, but this time, the radio cuts out and you stand stock still, terrified now.

 

 _Oh god no_ , you think. Something’s had to happen to Bucky, and you’re out here alone on the lake, a murderer probably in the dark waiting for you. Before you could turn to hike back up the cliffs, possibly run home and get help, however, you felt a hand reach out and grab your waist, pulling you back to a hard chest, the other hand covering your mouth as you started to scream.

 

“Boo!”

 

Warm breath tickles your ear and you slump in the arms around you. It’s nobody but Bucky and you groan when he lets you go. He’d managed to successfully scare you yet again. “You’re going to have to stop pulling that kind of shit!” you say with a scowl, and kick out toward him, though he jumps out the way.

 

“Aw, babe. Don’t be like that! It was just a joke!” He grins then, and stalks toward you slowly, backing you up on the sandy shore of the lake, until he’s got you pinned against his truck. He pulls you close and nuzzles your neck, though you hold still and refuse to react.

 

You’re still mad.

 

But before too long, your anger ebbs to a mild annoyance and you melt into his embrace, wrapping your arms around his strong shoulders. “Why you do that?” you ask, refusing to meet his eyes. He’ll make you grin if you look up and you’re not ready to completely let him off the hook. “Scare ya? ‘Cause it’s funny. You get all wide eyed and you do this cute little squeal-“

 

“I shouldn’t have asked,” you grumble, and Bucky pulls back a bit so he can see your face.

 

“Don’t be like that, darlin’,” he says, and he lifts your chin with his finger. “Look at me.”

 

You hesitate for a long moment, but you can feel his gaze on you and you unwillingly meet it, caught suddenly in the dark of his blue eyes. His smile is sweet and gentle and you’re not mad at all anymore, so you let your mouth curl up into a little smirk. “Stop scaring me and you might get a little bit further with me,” you quip and Bucky raises a brow.

 

“Oh yeah? Enlighten me. What waits for good boy James Barnes?”

 

There’s a suggestion in his voice and you’re tempted to follow through on it but you shake your head and squeeze from around him. You hop onto the back of the tail bed and pat the space beside you for him to sit. “I’m taking that as a no, then,” he says, but he follows you and sits beside you, close as he can get, his thigh touching yours.

 

“A not right now, actually,” you correct. “Besides, didn’t you say you wanted to see me about something?” At that he quiets and he draws in a breath as if he’s trying to gather his thoughts. “Buck? Baby, what’s wrong?”

 

Grasping your hand, Bucky turns to you and starts to speak.

 

“You know, I’ve been thinkin’…about the future and whatnot. About what I’ma do now that I’m done with high school.”

 

You nod. He’d confessed recently that he didn’t have a clue what he was planning on doing with his life. Bucky was a year older than you were and had graduated from school just a few weeks ago, but was still not sure where he was going to go as far as his future was concerned.

 

“I’ve been talking to mama and we’re thinkin’ I can start at the community college in town, then work my way up to a university later. I can probably even get a football scholarship if I try out.”

 

“Are you serious, Buck?! I’m so happy you!” You wrap your arms around his neck and laugh happily. He’d been a little bummed about not being able to afford college and was sure his grades weren’t good enough to get aid to the university. But with two years at junior college and a football scholarship, he stood a chance.

 

“And you know wherever you go is where I’ll go. I don’t care who I play for, babe. I just want you with me.”

 

“If you’re sure you won’t get sick of me...” you start, but he cuts you off with a finger to your lips and then he kisses you softly. When he pulls away, his eyes shine in the bright moonlight.

 

“I won’t ever get sick of you.”

 

You smile and then start to giggle. “You’d better not. I plan on keeping you around for the long haul.”

 

Bucky pulls you back into the blankets lain out on the bed of the truck and the two of you watch the stars, the dark clouds that drift across the moon, and eventually, the sun start to rise. You yawn, curl in closer to Bucky and whimper when he insist that it’s time you got back home.

 

“Don’t you have to take your brother to ball practice in, oh…” He glances at his wristwatch. “Three hours?” You roll your eyes but reluctantly pull away from his warm body and sigh.

 

“It’d be nice if he could drive himself, ya know.”

 

“Baby, he’s twelve.”

 

“I was driving at twelve-“

 

“You ran into your grandmama’s storage building!”

 

You narrow your eyes but then chuckle at the memory. Bucky had been in the front seat of your grandmother’s Buick when you snatched the keys and tried going for a spin. Neither of you had thought driving was that hard, but less than a minute after working up the nerve to crank the car, you had plowed head first into the garden shed in the back yard. If that hadn’t woken Grandmama from her nap, then maybe it was when you had burst into tears, hysterical because there was now a dent in the car and a hole in the wall of the shed.

 

“That was a good summer though,” you mused, and you helped Bucky fold the blankets up. “We both were grounded the entire time and had to spend three months stuck in the house with each other watching PBS.” He smiled, and lifted the tail bed.

 

“I think that’s when I fell in love with you,” he says softly and you can’t help how your heart beats wildly or the butterflies in your tummy. He’d told you he loved you months ago, but it still feels new every time he says it. “When you got on the roof of your house and threw plums at Sam and Sharon.” He kisses your forehead and you lean into his warmth, the gentle timbre of his voice both comforting and sexy. “Or when you declared yourself king of the couch and made me pay you in push pops to sit on it.”

 

“And you told me that girls couldn’t be king, so I kicked you in the back and you got that scar on your shoulder from hitting the coffee table.”

 

“And I covered it up ‘cause I didn’t want you gettin’ in any more trouble.” He grins and taps a finger to your nose affectionately. “Yeah, I think that’s when I knew I was in love with you.”

 

“At thirteen, Buck?”

 

“Mmhm. At thirteen. And you know what? I’m always gonna love you darlin’. _Always_.”

 

You don’t realize you’ve got tears in your eyes until he wipes them away with gentle fingers and then he kisses you again, deep and sure, as the sun comes up slowly behind the two of you. When you finally pull away, he pulls you in close to his side and you watch the new sun over the water, the soft waves lapping, listen to the gentle chirp of the birds. You tuck this memory away and savor it for later.

 

“C’mon,” Bucky says, breaking the quiet of the lake. “Let’s get you back to the house before your folks wake up and find you missin’.”

 

* * *

 

**November 2001**

 

The summer flew by quicker than you’d wanted, but you started school that August excited to finally be a senior in high school. Bucky had started at the community college around the same time, and took a part time job at the mill your dad was supervisor at to help his mom pay for it. Fortunately for them, the college had a payment plan and worked diligently with students to find aid. Bucky managed to get enough to pay for books and supplies as well as tuition. For a while, everything was fine and dandy and you looked to the future with stars in your eyes.

 

And then September came and 9/11 happened.

 

Suddenly, the world wasn’t the bright, shining place you’d thought it’d be. You were scared, as were all your friends and classmates, and you watched as your little town got caught in the fervor of patriotism and revenge. Plenty of guys you’d known as a kid enlisted in the army or the marines; your cousin Sam was one of them and you watched as some of the girls you’d known your entire life plan to enlist after high school, as well. Through all of t his you held firmly to Bucky’s hand, distracting the two of you from the unrest and unease of those months by helping him with his algebra homework or taking trips to the lake, where the two of you would talk and plan and sometimes make love in the back of his truck bed.

 

It was on one of those nights, in the chill of November, did he drop the bomb on you. It was after the homecoming game and though your team had won, you weren’t in any mood to go to the dance. Instead, Bucky had picked you up from the football field and driven you out to your spot on the lake, where you lay in his arms, wrapped up in blankets and half naked underneath them. He had been quiet for a long while and you wanted to know what was on his mind, but didn’t want to press him. He’d talk when he was ready.

 

“I’m gonna enlist,” he said, so quiet that you thought that maybe you’d mistaken what he’d said. You pick your head up from his chest and watch his face, closed off and tense, and you realize you’d heard him right.

 

“You’re gonna _what_?”

 

“Enlist.” He swallows visably and you feel your heart drop.

 

“No…Bucky, no! You can’t be serious! What am I gonna do if-“

 

“You can’t always think of yourself, (y/n)!” he growls, and he gets up, angrily snatching his shirt from the piles of clothes and blankets and tugging it on. You clamp your mouth shut and glare out in front of you, shivering from the lack of his body heat, blinking back angry and scared tears. If Bucky left you, where would you be? What would happen if something happened to him?

 

“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice scratchy and you realize he’s been stressed about this for weeks now. You feel silly and selfish. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, baby girl. I’m just…”

 

You nod, wipe the tears from your cheeks and turn to him with a wavering smile. “It’s okay. I deserved that. I’m being a brat.” For a second, neither of you say anything. Instead, he pulls you close and just holds you and you listen to the sound of his heart beating, hoping that the dread in the pit of your stomach is just an overreaction.

 

“I don’t wanna sit here when I can go do somethin’, ya know? I feel useless. I’ve got friends over there fighting for us and serving our country and all I’m doin’ is thumbin’ through books and runnin’ that stacker for your daddy. I can do so much more, you know? And…and think of it this way; I won’t have to worry about a football scholarship that might not happen if I join up. The army will pay for university, so when I get back, I can finish and get my degree and make somethin’ of myself. I can open that shop I wanna, and buy me a house and when you get your English degree you’ll take over the library…”

 

You don’t realize you’ve started to cry again until he kisses the tears from your face and a choked up sob bursts forth from your chest.

 

“You don’t want to be with me, after all this?” You look up and search his uncertain eyes frantically and shake your head.

 

“Oh god no, Buck, that ain’t it. I’m just…I’m scared. The world isn’t what we thought it was gonna be and you might go over there and…”

 

You don’t want to say _never come back_ , so instead you shift gears.

 

“You might not even get to the middle east. They might send you to a base in Europe and you’ll find some pretty girl over there and forget all about me.” He frowns and tilts his head, but the corners of his mouth curl up a little and he starts to smile so that you forget, for just a moment, just how terrifying all this is.

 

“Ain’t no way,” he declares. “I’m doin’ this for my country, yeah, but I’m doing this for us too. I’m doin’ this so we’ll have a future together. I’m not gonna go over there and find anyone else cause I don’t want anyone else. All I want is you, all I’ve ever wanted was you. Since I was thirteen.” You smile at that and press your cheek to his, closing your eyes for brief moment. With a sigh, you pull back and meet his eyes, buoyed by his promise and declaration of love for you. It’s steady and unwavering and you know he’s true to you and only you.

 

“You’ll always love me, won’t you Buck?” You already know the answer, but you like hearing it anyway.

 

He smiles and you still feel scared, but you think that just maybe all of this will work out just right.

 

”I’m always gonna love you darlin’. _Always_.”

 

When he kisses you this time, it’s slow and passionate and deep, and he tilts you back onto the blankets, peeling his shirt off once more. You run your fingers through his short dark hair and tug on it gently, nibbling at his bottom lip and wrapping her legs around his waist. When his lips meet your neck you sigh softly and welcome his weight on top of you, the scent of him, and the hard planes of his chest. He smiles against your skin and whispers I love you’s as he takes you, slowly and gently and you close your eyes against the stars in the dark November sky.

 

* * *

 

**Present Day**

 

It’s been a while since you’ve been down to the lake.

 

There’s too many memories here for you and you try going the long way around to your parents’ house when you come back to visit. This time, you’re in for your niece’s christening. Your brother and his wife welcomed their second baby girl just a few weeks ago and so you flew out from San Diego to meet her. She’s a beautiful little girl, just like her big sister, and you dote on both of your nieces as if they were your own kids. But you didn’t have any just yet, though you’d always wanted a big family of your own.

 

You try not to think about kids much. At 33, you would be an old maid in your hometown, but at least in the big city you’re just another millennial trying to make a career for yourself. That English degree you’d gotten had paid off big time and you were copy editor for a big name publishing company. It paid well and you enjoyed the work, though it was a bit boring at time. And you’d managed to save enough to buy your own house out there, right on the beach, where you sat and drank margaritas till midnight.

 

But you were lonely. None of your boyfriends had ever stuck around long enough to mean much except for the lawyer you almost married at 28. You caught him cheating on you with his secretary and had kicked him out your apartment, then spent the weekend crying into ice cream and scarfing down ding dongs.

 

Why were you so unlucky in love?

 

Why hadn’t you found your better half just yet?

 

You know the answer to that already, but thinking about it was like pressing on an old bruise. It still ached, though you pretended you’d moved on. And going to the lake only made the pain more acute. Even still, you had missed being down here so after the christening, you slipped away from your family and made the fifteen minute walk down that old dirt road, watching for cars and listening to the crickets and birds chirp.

 

Your mind wanders to the past and all the trips you’d taken to the lake; swimming in the cool water on hot summer days with your best friend Misty, skipping rocks after school with your cousin Sam, and teaching your little brother to fish. But most of all you remember the nights you’d lain under the stars with Bucky. Little snatches of the past rush through your mind as you near the lake and you blink away tears. Losing Bucky had been the hardest thing you’d ever gone through and there was days when the pain came back as fresh as when you’d first found out.

_2003_

_It had been almost two months since your last letter from Bucky and something felt wrong. But you ignored it, working the part time job at the pharmacy across from your dorm. You’d gone to college at the big university and had fit in just fine, but there was always something missing. Bucky was overseas, somewhere in the dusty deserts of Iraq, and though he wrote and called as much as he could, it still wasn’t the same. Even still, you looked forward to when his tour was done and he came home. He would start at the same university as you attended and eventually the two of you would settle somewhere close, maybe get married when he graduated, and buy a little house to start a family in._

_You were thinking about baby names when you got a phone call at the pharmacy. “(Y/N), it’s for you!” your coworker said, and you picked up the line on your end, close to the cash register. “Coulson’s Pharmacy, this is (y/n). How may I help you?”_

_The line was quiet for a moment and you frowned thinking that perhaps it was someone with the wrong number or that their cell phone had cut out, so you patiently waited. But you heard sniffling on the other end and something in your gut told you that this was something really bad. “Hello?” you called again and then there was a voice on the other end._

_“(Y/N)….it’s Becky.”_

_The air around you seemed cold and your heart stopped. No no no no no, please! “Becky…what’s wrong? Is it Bucky?” There wasn’t a response on the other end until Bucky’s sister began to sob and you knew then. Oh god, no. There’s no way, he promised me!_

_“Becky, please!” You choked out. “Tell me he isn’t-“_

_“He’s gone, (y/n)! He disappeared after a mission and all they found was…was a…” She breaks off again and starts to cry. You can’t hear anything over the pounding in your chest and when she finally tells you (they found his arm, (y/n), that’s it…he’s dead, they’re saying he’s dead) you can’t see anything either. The only thing you can think of is that Bucky is gone. Dead, dead, dead. He’s dead. My baby, my Bucky…he’s gone._

 

**Present Day**

The memory of that awful day still makes you cry and you wipe sweat and tears from your face as you near the lake. There had been no body to claim but there was a memorial service and everyone in town had shown up. You sat in the front beside the Barnes family, numb and dry eyed. You had cried so much you couldn’t cry anymore.

 

In the years that passed, you’d kept in touch with his mom and siblings, finishing university after a year off to grieve. Life moved on around you but there was still a part of you that had never recovered from the loss. Other than his family, the only person who could feel what you felt had been his best friend Steve, and the two of you had become close. Steve was working in Washington D.C. for the FBI and the two of you talked nearly every week, catching up and consoling the other when memories of Bucky got too hard to handle alone. You'd always been fond of Steve, but over the years, he had become as close as another brother to you.

 

Before long, you’d made it to the lake. You skid down the cliff as always and took off your sandals to walk in the soft, damp sand. The day was bright and sunny and beautiful, and the water was calm. It was just hot enough that you thought about maybe swimming for a bit, so you took off your cardigan and was starting on the zipper of your dress when you heard a rustle in the woods behind you. You stop mid zip and turn around slowly, hoping there were no wild animals out to get you. But you didn’t see anything, so you turn around once more, chalking the noise up to a bunny or squirrel.

 

You strip to your underwear and test the water with your toes. It’s moderately warm, though the deeper you go into the lake, the cooler it is. Still, it’s refreshing and you swim out for several minutes, clearing your mind of everything that’s been dragging you down lately. You lie back and float for a long time, closing your eyes to the sunshine ahead, listening to the sounds around you and the splashing of the water. It’s peaceful, though there is a bittersweet tinge to it. Bucky had taught you to swim, way back when you were kids, and you’ll always associate the water with him.

 

You sigh, opening your eyes when a fluffy cloud slides over the sun and give you a little respite from the bright light. Though the water carries you to and fro in the tide, you don’t drift out too far. When you finally decide to get back to shore, you dip down into the water and push out strong, pressing your legs closed so you can pretend you’re a mermaid. It makes you smile in spite of everything, and as you get to shallower waters, you think you hear an old familiar voice calling out to you.

 

“There’s my little mermaid.”

 

It’s when you wipe the water from your eyes do you realize that that voice is different, though the same, and you blink in the sunshine staring at a tall figure ahead of you. You splash through the water to the sand and begin to tremble. There’s no way…this is an illusion. You’re seeing things, you know you are. But then he smiles and reaches out his hands-one of them flesh and blood and the other shiny metal and you’re choking back tears as you run to him.

 

"BUCKY!"

 

When you run into his arms you realize this isn’t a dream or a hallucination. He’s real, solid and strong and sure, bigger than he was when he left you but no less him. You can’t even talk, you’re sobbing so hard and through it all he only holds you, whispers soft, sweet things in your ear until you realize he’s crying too. “I missed you so much, baby girl,” he chokes out and you kiss him feverishly, only stopping when you have to get air.

 

“I thought…we all thought you were dead Buck, there’s no way-“

 

“The insurgents...they took me captive and…they did stuff to me but I-“

 

“ _Where have you been_?!”

 

“Lost my memory for a while, and when it came back…Stevie found me, baby girl. He got me back on track.”

 

“How?! And does anyone else know you’re alive?”

 

He nods. “Other than Stevie, Mama and Becky and my brothers. Your folks don’t know, though, so don’t get mad at ‘em. And I told Stevie not to say anything. I wanted to surprise you. ‘Sides…I wasn’t sure if you’d still be here or if you’d moved on somewhere else…with someone else. I didn’t know if you’d want me anymore.”

 

His smile is sad but you pull him tight to your damp body and hold him close.

 

“I tried to move on, Buck,” you admit, though you don’t want to. But he isn’t mad at all, he only nods and kisses your cheek. “They said you were dead and you weren’t coming back…I tried but I couldn’t. Nobody else could live up to you, _nobody_.” He grins at that and kisses your lips again, this time slower and softer.

 

“Ain’t nobody in the world could live up to you, baby,” he murmurs and you give a watery laugh.

 

“Remember what you always told me Buck?” you say, and he searches your eyes as if it’s the first time he’s seen them. You think that maybe it is. It’s been so long. “You told me you’d always love me. Well, darlin’, I felt the same way. I told you when you left that I’d always love you and I always have. I’ve never stopped, Bucky. I never will.”

 

The joy on his face makes your heart swell and you melt into his arms when he kisses you again, drag him down to the sand with you and wrap your whole body around him. It’s frantic and fast-desperation and heartbreak and joy all wrapped up in your love making-but the second time he goes slower, savors ever little bit of you until you’re crying out and shaking underneath him. He follows you with your name on his lips and tears in his eyes, and you lay beside him beside the soft lapping water of the lake, content right now just to have him close. It's then that you take the time to look at him, truly. He's changed-taller and broader and bigger, little age lines in the corner of his eyes and his hair longer. But he's still your Bucky, you know, so you don't mind at all.

 

“What happened, Buck?” you finally ask, and he heaves out a breath.

 

“Too much to tell right now.” His beautiful blue eyes are distant and empty, and you shudder to think what he could have went through. You wonder if he’ll even tell you everything, but for now you only nod. He’ll tell you when he’s good and ready to. “How about you tell me what you’ve been up to since I’ve been gone.”

 

You want to tell him that you’ve only been existing. That your whole word has been nothing but shades of grey since he left you and didn’t come home. You think about the years you spent alone, trying to heal; the guys you’d dated trying to forget; the nights you wept when you could do neither. And then you realize that now, none of that matters. Your Bucky is back and he’s alive and he’s home and there’s hope there now for a future again. A future as Mrs. Barnes, a couple of kids and now, a home on the beach.

 

So you tell him about your job and your little house and the warm weather of San Diego. You tell him about the sunrises there and how you’d learned to surf, that you’d overcome your fear of roller coasters and you learned how to speak three languages fluently. He holds you through it all and kisses you and looks at you like you’re the whole world.

 

But then the sun begins to set and you know that your family are probably wondering where you are. You’ve got happy news for them now, and so many plans to make and Bucky wants to meet your nieces and hug your mama, so you get dressed and grab his hand.

 

And as the two of you climb the cliff up from the lake and start back down the dirt road to your parents’ home, you feel the hole in your heart slowly start to mend.

  

 


End file.
